I never got the time to write some of feelings about rejection and some depression that I had to go through while I was in Taiwan and still am at the moment. I mean I didn’t expect that I would get broken heart once again… but I guess we are all humans and have to be broken by the end of our day!
I think I am still suffering through my past experiences! I mean I ask why? maybe is because I haven’t learn to forgive people or maybe let go of the past. I think a part of myself am still living for the past. I guess I am not really aiming to do anything better? I don’t know at all. I really want to get healed!Ii feel so broken.
Okay… to say one thing is that while I was on the program to study some mandarin I made some friends but then by the end of the program a lot of different people had different opinions about myself… mainly because they didn’t understand about some things that I have done. I mean the thing that hurts me the most is that they were a few that deleted me of facebook… it was mainly those that are still in Taiwan at the moment.
I mean maybe I wasn’t such a good friend? but I don’t know. I think it hurts a lot for me but I think it will make me stronger? I don’t know… because sometimes I think that I am not that friendly enough?
Okay so this last Sunday the pastor talked about approval addiction! I could relate to that very well! I am like that at times!!! YIKES>… I need to really know and believe what is my true identity in Christ!
Maybe I need to really surrender my life to Christ and really rely on HIM for everything! I mean I am still on my road to understand the true purpose of this life. I want to be encouraged about life. I don’t want to be upset anymore about the past situations…
I write this at the moment because I was about to wish a happy birthday to a friend named Elizabeth Huang but then soon found out that she also deleted me… I think it was like two days ago? Yah… maybe I can’t call her a friend anymore… I didn’t know that this would happen… what can I say? things happen… or should I say shit happens??? I mean we talked some after the program was over… but then… this is what I get! I am not really understanding anything!!!
Yah… these are some of my feelings at the moment. There are times that I wished I could erase the past? But I can’t…. it is done and I have to deal with it daily! Well… I just hope that I could really MOVE ON!
Prayer: Father, will you please be my healer now and ALWAYS? Please… I want to be reminded of Your unfailing Love to me :D
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with love,
Esther Chuang (莊主愛)
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