shit happens

You know something _______(someone who gives a shit about it),
I never got the time to write some of feelings about rejection and some depression that I had to go through while I was in Taiwan and still am at the moment. I mean I didn’t expect that I would get broken heart once again… but I guess we are all humans and have to be broken by the end of our day!

I think I am still suffering through my past experiences! I mean I ask why? maybe is because I haven’t learn to forgive people or maybe let go of the past. I think a part of myself am still living for the past. I guess I am not really aiming to do anything better? I don’t know at all. I really want to get healed!Ii feel so broken.

Okay… to say one thing is that while I was on the program to study some mandarin I made some friends but then by the end of the program a lot of different people had different opinions about myself… mainly because they didn’t understand about some things that I have done. I mean the thing that hurts me the most is that they were a few that deleted me of facebook… it was mainly those that are still in Taiwan at the moment.

I mean maybe I wasn’t such a good friend? but I don’t know. I think it hurts a lot for me but I think it will make me stronger? I don’t know… because sometimes I think that I am not that friendly enough?

Okay so this last Sunday the pastor talked about approval addiction! I could relate to that very well! I am like that at times!!! YIKES>… I need to really know and believe what is my true identity in Christ!

Maybe I need to really surrender my life to Christ and really rely on HIM for everything! I mean I am still on my road to understand the true purpose of this life. I want to be encouraged about life. I don’t want to be upset anymore about the past situations…

I write this at the moment because I was about to wish a happy birthday to a friend named Elizabeth Huang but then soon found out that she also deleted me… I think it was like two days ago? Yah… maybe I can’t call her a friend anymore… I didn’t know that this would happen… what can I say? things happen… or should I say shit happens??? I mean we talked some after the program was over… but then… this is what I get! I am not really understanding anything!!!

Yah… these are some of my feelings at the moment. There are times that I wished I could erase the past? But I can’t…. it is done and I have to deal with it daily! Well… I just hope that I could really MOVE ON!

Prayer: Father, will you please be my healer now and ALWAYS? Please… I want to be reminded of Your unfailing Love to me :D

—
with love,
Esther Chuang (莊主愛)

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!

Today was a good day!

I can’t complain about some things… they happened because for some odd reason!

I woke up around 8ish… got ready for church. I don’t know I wasn’t really looking forward for anything today… because last night I wanted to stay out! I couldn’t so I had this huge argument between my parents and grandma. YIKES! AGAIN!

So by the time I hung off the phone, I was suppose to sleep I couldn’t sleep at all! So I watched a horror movie… I don’t think that helped me to sleep… so I was up till 4ish and woke up at 8ish…

Okay… leaving home was like YES! FREEDOM… I don’t have to worry about people at the house nagging me to do things? Or like… eat eat eat sleep sleep sleep… I mean to tell the truth that’s all I do for this last month!!!

WOW> you might think my life is good? LOL… maybe? Yah… it is more relaxing now! YES! But sometime it gets to the point where I think WOW… I have NO purpose in life? Because I am not doing anything worthy of my time!!!

OKAY… so I went to church and was surprised to meet some peers.

I talked to Claire Ho for a bit about her work and Taichung, then met Dionne from Singapore a very smart girl who is in Taiwan for one month for vacation, talked some to Peggy about approval addiction, then I had a good conversation with Odette from South Africa who she has a cousin that works with hotel management! JESUS THANK YOU FOR GUIDING ME!

After church service I had GBS… a very great spiritual family for me. I met Mary from Chicago, funny girl with lots of energy!

OKAY!

Then I had dinner with family! We all sat together and ate dinner. My uncle didn’t come because he was “BUSY”. IDK.

I think I was very upset for that! Because it was Mother’s day and I had to PAY quiet a lot to have dinner at a very fancy place!

Yah… the food was good! It wasn’t that bad! I ate a lot! I don’t know why! It was pretty spicy too…
but overall so so tasty!

Thank You Peggy for recommending that amazing place!

Anyways, something that bothered me during the dinner time was that grandma and aunt kept and kept asking how much does it cost and how many dishes did you order… what else? yah… that was been discussed for quiet a long time! I was about to go crazy!

But then thankfully cousin spoke out about why ask so much… it doesn’t matter! EAT!

Yah…

But then… I did my best! I didn’t know what else I was going to do… I mean I didn’t know what to buy them… is not like if I buy something that I like or something that I am interested they will happen to like it! They are too Taiwanese! I am like a real tourist!

OKay… then coming back home we all ate cake, tried to watch a movie…

But then I went to the night market and got some stuff done there and kind did some shopping!

To end the day I ate shaved ice cream with taro and red beans! YES!

SO yum… more calories to me!

Prayer: Jesus, thank you so so much for loving me and reminding me that I am special to YOU!

I don’t need to living this life of regrets anymore. I got YOU by my side and wherever I go you are holding very close to YOU.

I pray BLESSINGS over my family! REVIVAL TO SCHOOLS IN TAIWAN!

I pray for the family here that they will slowly soften their hearts and see that YOU ARE REAL!

I need more of your LOVE! Fill me up with Your amazing Grace! May I spread Your love to the whole world!

Thank YOU so much for what you have done on the cross!

—
with love,
Esther Chuang (莊主愛)

where have i been...

It has been awhile!
But I have been blogging at different places.

The new one that I have is this one:

http://bellaestella.tumblr.com/

and before this was at:

http://purelove-10.xanga.com/weblog/